The Enemy
10:00 p.m.
It’s early winter, in December. The Fireworks go off into the blackest night, and
so does my father. My auburn hair whips into my face, as I run into the distance of the freezing night. My breath vapors into the sky as I completely lose my mind. I hear my father call to, me far behind me into the distance. I think to myself, keep moving, don’t let him catch you.
12:15 a.m.
Flashes of the horrendous memory came back to me like daggers to my head. The flashbacked memory only brought boiling tears of anger to my eyes. The words, that I created to a poem describes my experience for the past 6 months. “ Simple words, simple pleasures, but not a simple day of life. Kiss by kiss are the things that I’ve truly missed. List by list I’ve disappeared into the invisible mist. Now here I go, to leave my goodbye kiss.”
2:45 a.m.
The realization smacks me in the face when I finally, comprehend that my mother and,
sisters death is inevitable. I sit in the frozen ground , the wind picks up and so does the snow.
The winter nibbles at my fingers, lips and ears. My father, is the one to blame for all of this. My father, is the one who, has killed my sense of family. He killed my mother, and my sister in front of me. I had screamed, I had cried, I had even shouted at him that it wasn’t real. I had tried to tell, him it was all in his head. My father had, screamed “ Shut up! Shut up! Can’t you see there’s a war to win?! The enemy is all around us! Can’t you hear that?” My father was referring to the fireworks going off into the darkest night, by our countryside house. Tears had ridden down my face. My father’s angry eyes looked into my sad ones and he had said to me, “You too, are the Enemy. You have to die.” My eyes widened in fear, I screamed as he tried to reach me and I ran for my life.
4:55 a.m.
Still sitting on the frozen ground, my hands in between my knees I cry. Strong heavy hands clamped around, me on my shoulders. My eyes widened in fear, I opened my mouth to scream but, the hand clamped my mouth shut. “ You are, the Enemy.” I realized that this was my father, he was dragging me, through the frozen ground and mud. My father started to drag me by my hair, and I screamed in yelped in pain. I struggled to get free from my fathers grip as I reached up with my hands and I grabbed his arm to pull him to the ground. We fell down the icy slope together hard. I stood up, tall and bold “ I’m not the Enemy! Dad it’s me! Emberly Rose, your daughter!”
5:15 a.m.
My Dad, takes a pocket knife out of his pocket. “ You aren’t my Emberly ! You are the Enemy!” I screamed and cried out to him, I begged him to stop. “ Dad, no! No soldier left behind… Dad, please you don’t have to do this!” I try to pull away when he reaches out for me, but he is too quick. in attempt to grab the knife from, I struggle against him., I feel a stab of pain in my stomach, I gasp. My father grunts against my struggles we, both fall to the ground.
5:45 a.m.
I look over, at my father his eyes glazed over, mouth open I realize that he is dead. My father was very sick, he died with war clearly still on his mind. The pocket knife, is stuck in his chest right where his heart should be. I graze the ground with my eyes, The frozen ground is freshly dusted with snow and my father’s blood. I take a second to the ground and realize, the blood isn’t just his its my own as well.
6:15 a.m.
I laugh the pain away and, I say a poem to myself, “ He’s burned into the ruins and, buried in my mind. I’m lost in the mist and, he got his death wish. We each gave our fight for breath, mine rose up as vapor in the sky. The fun times I’ll cherish and miss, but at least I got to leave one last painful kiss.” I sighed at the end. I heard Police sirens go off into the distance. My eyes stared, up into the sky, I shed one tear.
THE POLICE ARRIVE ON THE SCENE AT 6:30 a.m.
“ Hey! Over here, I found a middle aged male and what appears to be a teenage female.”
The man bends down to take Emberly Rose’s fathers pulse.
“ Anything?” The police man’s partner asks.
The Police man shook his head no and replied, “ The pulse is dead like grass.”
“ What about the girl?” asks the partner.
The Police man bends down to check for Emberly Rose’s pulse.
The Police man looks down at Emberly Rose and, then back at his partner.
“ She’s…..”
Hi Raygene E, Wow, that was super impressive. I loved your description. Specifically these two consecutive sentences, "Flashes of the horrendous memory came back to me like daggers to my head. The flashbacked memory only brought boiling tears of anger to my eyes." Reading this short story left no image blanks in my mind, which is a wonderful thing. It made me want to go change up my story. I think description is your best quality as an author. Nice job with that. Next, I really enjoyed the story line. What made it even better was that you could really tell Emberly Rose's struggles because of good dialogue. Finally, I liked that you left the ending as a cliff hanger. Of course I'd love to know what happens to Emberly Rose but it lets the reader decide what they want. It doesn't give too much information either. One question I have is what is "the enemy"? I'm a tad bit confused on that part only because I can't really tell specifically what the war is. Lastly, I would also check for commas and punctuation one last time. Overall, this story impressed me a lot. Fabulous Job, Raygene E!
ReplyDelete-Claire C.
Hello Raygene E,
ReplyDeleteI really adored the way you wrote your story. I like how you wrote it by time and with used the poems. It was unique! Another thing I loved about your story was how you had to infer a little bit what was happening. Which made me read more into dept. I also liked how you started off your story with the father going off like a firework, it hooked me in. It made me want to keep reading to see what you mean. I just have some questions. Dose the girl die in the ending? What is going on with the father, why is he doing that? I just have one suggestion to clear up the ending a little more. Overall, your story is wonderful!
-Wildsnowman
Thank you so much for your feedback to my story! In my mind I don't really let the girl die, because it would feel to me like she is giving up and I hate to write my characters giving up because, the story just doesn't turn out right. What is your suggestion?
DeleteDear Raygene E,
ReplyDeleteYour story was very suspenseful and climactic! I especially liked the way that you used times to split up your paragraphs. It made me infer what she did during those times when you didn't know what she was doing. It's like a choose your own adventure story! Another thing I liked was how you start in a situation that you don't know what is going on. This made me feel invigorated and anxious to read more. Another thing that I think you did well was the cliffhanger at the end. A genius way to end the story! It made me think of the ways it could have ended instead of directly saying it. One question I have is about the fireworks. Why are there fireworks? It's not 4th of July because of the snow or is the snow just apart of the setting (Like Alaska or Colorado)? Another question I have was did the dad serve in the military, I was confused if it was post-traumatic stress disorder from serving or if he was just insane? A suggestion I have was to make it a little more clear about where this way taking place, the fireworks kind of threw me off. Also this me be a lil' nit picky but there was some tense switching which made the story a little distracting and it made me go back and read some lines. Overall, and invigorating short story!
Good job, Camden D.
Thanks Camden D! for you response and suggestion I'll keep those ideas and question in mind. Yes he did have PTSD from the military that's why the fireworks set him off. It was most likely that I would make that some crazy random teenagers set fireworks off.
DeleteI found it very neat how you chose to express the story in split periods of time. This, I believe, gives the story more originality due to its difference from traditional storytelling. These breaks in time make the reader have to partially guess what is happening when you did not directly state it. I love how you did this because being required to reflect on the story gives it a deeper meaning than if all of its events were flat out said. I do not see many issues with the story besides minor grammatical errors, which are quick fixes. You did a sensational job!
ReplyDeleteThank you ! so much for your feedback!
DeleteHey! I really enjoyed your story it kept me on my feet the whole time! I liked how you used the time to separate the story it was really clever. Lastly I liked enjoyed the ending it was a total cliffhanger and it totally had me "like what" it was great. I honestly did not have any questions the story was really great and I understood everything! You only had a few gramme errors it that's it! It was great!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your feedback! It really means a lot!
ReplyDelete